Scared of myself...

This years word for myself was considerate...

I didn't actually realise what that would mean when I chose it, I thought it meant that I would have to be kinder to myself , stop beating myself up for things I couldn't control but what has actually happened is that I've been tougher on myself... tougher on the things that I can control, the things I can change and I've made myself do things that I wouldn't have done before. I'm being considerate to what I actually want to do and rather than just thinking about it, I've worked past my fears and I've done it. Today I am wearing a dress to work... and it's the third day that 'I've flashed my legs' (thanks male colleague) this week. Get me.

I've made myself face my insecurities, I've made myself write a book, I've challenged my 'I can'ts' with 'I can's' and heck, so far this year I've done all right...

But I haven't been very considerate of my blog and it's future. 

Last week I had a post with no comments on, and I'm not going to lie,

I cried a little.

It's pathetic, I know, I still have more posts without comments then I have ones with them, but my blog is me, and it hurt my feelings a little.

I was having the worst week at work 

(to say I was in a flap would be an understatement)

and I hadn't realised that I needed my blog and the interaction so much until it wasn't there.

The thing with blogs is that even if your blog stays the same, things change around you... you get more followers, you lose some followers, you get more hits, you get less... everything will change no matter what you do. And I've been pretty stubborn about evolving with it, I guess I like to dig my heels in about change as much as the next person (C) haha. 

Anyway, this week I've been trying to find new blogs and I also reread a lot of posts in Kat's Green Room on Rock n Roll Bride... Have I ever told you that Kat is my one of my blogging heros? She is and so is her secret weapon Gareth...

 they love what they do and in doing so, they do it so very, very well. 

That is what I want to do. I want to love what I do and do it so very, very well.

And I realised, I know how to do this - two years ago I was even brave enough to write a 'Blogging Tips' post. I know how to blog and do it well... so what is happening?! What am I so worried about?

Over the past two years I've somehow lost myself and my confidence (again)

... and I've lost the contact with you.

I'm sorry about that. I really am.

The only person who's been holding me back with this blog is me. 

But I think I'm ready to come back to it, to push it, to nuture it, to believe in it and myself... 

to share more of me than just my photos, to write.

Side note: I actually really love writing - which I guess makes sense, as I love talking and really, I'm talking to you here through my words so a massive thank you Diana for giving me the chance to remember that with Gadchick, truly, its more than I ever expected when I bullied myself in saying yes to your offer.

Of course, I still have no idea what I'm going to do... I thought about a Toy Camera E book or course... a lot actually, I would love that - but then I let myself think

"who would want to take part in that with you? who do you think you are? there are more knowledgeable people... "

 but I won't let myself do that anymore... 

I am me and I know these things, I can share them. I want to share them... somehow.

I also realised that I really love blogging... so I need to incorporate that somehow, but I don't want a seperate blog... so really, I have no clue what I want to do still - perhaps a toy camera newsletter with tips? Perhaps a seperate sectionfor tips, camera over views? Perhaps maybe even earn a bit of money somehow with affordable e-courses or books... I really don't know.

But I do know that I am more than my day job... so much more, I have more to give, more to do than to be sat at this desk everyday, wishing it away until I get home and I can do things that I want to do.

The only one holding me back is me... I've been scared of myself for too long and now I need to do something about it... and keep doing it.

So here I am, being considerate to myself, letting it all out, hitting publish (eep)

and then I am going to do something. 

I just don't know what that something is yet :)